tlcorbin
Why Heaven and Why Hell?
June 27th 2007 14:10
Here’s a question: Was hell created out of love or hate? You can use any descriptor or version of hell you like. And this is predicated on the assumption that there is a creator of everything, and we’ll him/her, God.
Please understand that I have had the various religious spiels shoved down my throat and up my ass by every prosthelytizing religious group known to man, until I am ready to launch a personal jihad against each and every one of the peace stealing bitch weasels. And I am a bit cranky about it still.
Secondly, my mental picture of God isn’t the Charlton Heston fire and brimstone version, but more like the George Burns or Morgan Freeman let’s do lunch version of God. I can see myself having morning coffee and a bagel, out on a veranda somewhere warm, with either of those versions of God. We could hang out. You can use any personal or impersonal version of God or Goddess that pleases you.
My thoughts on the topic generally follow these lines: God created everything in a moment called, the Big Sneeze (which will continue on forever unless God gets bored with it, and sells off his rights to Bill Gates), after excusing himself to an empty house, he realized he could populate this empty new creation with little Anime’s made in his image. Which he did. God loved these little creatures of the Big Sneeze so much that he switched off his cable TV and watched these little boogers full time.
God was pleased but in an epiphanal moment, he realized something was missing. Diversity and conflict were missing; those dynamics would keep those lively little Animes in turmoil, perhaps constantly. He pondered over the problem for a few eons and came up with an exquisite solution.
He had already created woman and called her, HOT! Man had been created and was called: clueless, or was that Paris? So, how about introducing sex? He did and it was an instant success. Those adventurous female Animes went slutty nuts and spent hours and hours studying the joys of sex, they were totally absorbed with copulating or not copulating; God found the whole affair a joy to observe and a win-win situation for the horney male Animes as well.
They proved so entertaining he gave them free will and allowed them to evolve. Each group of Animes inhabited their own little piece of the Big Sneeze. And each of those independently evolving groups were expected to help their more primitive neighbors morph into something more entertaining; knowing full well that the arrival of these various groups further along the evolutionary process would scare the hell out the more primitive Animes. Which presented a problem; there was no hell as yet. But feeling a little peckish, God grabbed a cold one, a snack and decided to wait a while before dealing with the hell issue; after all, the heaven idea wasn’t really fleshed out yet.
Perturbed, God realized other elements were missing and happily, during a moment of extreme intestinal gas pain and stress, the problem resolved itself. A few of those goofy Animes stopped copulating and looked heavenward and caught wind of God. And they began tying to communicate with him, the God. Having been caught in a very awkward moment, God wasn’t all that excited about these things prying into his private life. But he decided to give them a break, and going with the flow of things unfolding at various areas of the Big Sneeze, he introduced them to the concept of the Big Sneezer (a pet name for himself). And then he left hints about himself everywhere, this formalized the start of religion. Crap, this was getting to be really great stuff.
As a reward for leading a good Anime life, God promised to bring them to his crib, which he called Heaven, to live on his dresser in bowl so they could enjoy staring at each other for eternity. But there was going to be rules governing their quest to join him in Heaven, and what constituted a good Anime life. Those busy little Animes never heard that part. Completely ignoring the lack of a rule book issue, the Animes got worked up. The promise of that reward spread like wildfire, most Animes felt they could hang with that.
Well, there was that neo-Goth and political bunch that hated everything and were particularly amusing to God because they kept all the other Animes stirred up. It was nearly as big of a distraction to them as was the introduction of sex. God had declared sex good and even great on several occasions. Then, remembering he hadn't given out any rule books governing all activities. He got busy and set down rules for worshipping him, y’know; time, date, manner, blood offerings the usual and in a remarkable flash of brilliance, a code of conduct governing sex and the concept of love. Knowing full well none of them were going to be happy with any of it because they weren’t God.
What the hey, why not? He kept them sustained and bound to him with his love, as a reward for being amusing, why not let them share the wealth. But, to his surprise, his offer of heaven wasn’t panning out with those radicals. So, he sent some of the higher evolved Animes down to these folks and tried to cut a deal with them. Those locals had the crap scared out them when they arrived in flying handiwipe boxes, but still, they demanded more. They were opposed to God watching their every move. They wanted a place they could set on their porcelain pots and read in private. They hated God’s prying eyes and bossy attitude.
So, what to do? Well, it turns out God loved those little rebellious ingrates too. He put another bowl on his dresser, this one was opaque and any occupants inside would not be able to see out and they’d think nothing could see in. This was a clever ploy, he filled it with stuff left over from creating his heaven bowl, chuckled to himself and invited a few of the hateful folks over to inspect. They were impressed, formed a new religion based entirely upon the absence of love issue and called themselves servants of the all Hateful Big Sneezer. Fully expecting to spend eternity in peace and quiet living in an opaque bowl ( blissfully unaware that only God could see inside), they named it Hell.
God was pleased; everybody got a little sumpin sumpin and the Big Sneeze continued to grow.
The way those little Anime took to the sex thing, a lot of room for expansion was going to be needed. His loving sneeze was the glue that held everything together. Believe it or not?
Raven is asking.
Please understand that I have had the various religious spiels shoved down my throat and up my ass by every prosthelytizing religious group known to man, until I am ready to launch a personal jihad against each and every one of the peace stealing bitch weasels. And I am a bit cranky about it still.
Secondly, my mental picture of God isn’t the Charlton Heston fire and brimstone version, but more like the George Burns or Morgan Freeman let’s do lunch version of God. I can see myself having morning coffee and a bagel, out on a veranda somewhere warm, with either of those versions of God. We could hang out. You can use any personal or impersonal version of God or Goddess that pleases you.
My thoughts on the topic generally follow these lines: God created everything in a moment called, the Big Sneeze (which will continue on forever unless God gets bored with it, and sells off his rights to Bill Gates), after excusing himself to an empty house, he realized he could populate this empty new creation with little Anime’s made in his image. Which he did. God loved these little creatures of the Big Sneeze so much that he switched off his cable TV and watched these little boogers full time.
God was pleased but in an epiphanal moment, he realized something was missing. Diversity and conflict were missing; those dynamics would keep those lively little Animes in turmoil, perhaps constantly. He pondered over the problem for a few eons and came up with an exquisite solution.
They proved so entertaining he gave them free will and allowed them to evolve. Each group of Animes inhabited their own little piece of the Big Sneeze. And each of those independently evolving groups were expected to help their more primitive neighbors morph into something more entertaining; knowing full well that the arrival of these various groups further along the evolutionary process would scare the hell out the more primitive Animes. Which presented a problem; there was no hell as yet. But feeling a little peckish, God grabbed a cold one, a snack and decided to wait a while before dealing with the hell issue; after all, the heaven idea wasn’t really fleshed out yet.
Perturbed, God realized other elements were missing and happily, during a moment of extreme intestinal gas pain and stress, the problem resolved itself. A few of those goofy Animes stopped copulating and looked heavenward and caught wind of God. And they began tying to communicate with him, the God. Having been caught in a very awkward moment, God wasn’t all that excited about these things prying into his private life. But he decided to give them a break, and going with the flow of things unfolding at various areas of the Big Sneeze, he introduced them to the concept of the Big Sneezer (a pet name for himself). And then he left hints about himself everywhere, this formalized the start of religion. Crap, this was getting to be really great stuff.
Well, there was that neo-Goth and political bunch that hated everything and were particularly amusing to God because they kept all the other Animes stirred up. It was nearly as big of a distraction to them as was the introduction of sex. God had declared sex good and even great on several occasions. Then, remembering he hadn't given out any rule books governing all activities. He got busy and set down rules for worshipping him, y’know; time, date, manner, blood offerings the usual and in a remarkable flash of brilliance, a code of conduct governing sex and the concept of love. Knowing full well none of them were going to be happy with any of it because they weren’t God.
What the hey, why not? He kept them sustained and bound to him with his love, as a reward for being amusing, why not let them share the wealth. But, to his surprise, his offer of heaven wasn’t panning out with those radicals. So, he sent some of the higher evolved Animes down to these folks and tried to cut a deal with them. Those locals had the crap scared out them when they arrived in flying handiwipe boxes, but still, they demanded more. They were opposed to God watching their every move. They wanted a place they could set on their porcelain pots and read in private. They hated God’s prying eyes and bossy attitude.
So, what to do? Well, it turns out God loved those little rebellious ingrates too. He put another bowl on his dresser, this one was opaque and any occupants inside would not be able to see out and they’d think nothing could see in. This was a clever ploy, he filled it with stuff left over from creating his heaven bowl, chuckled to himself and invited a few of the hateful folks over to inspect. They were impressed, formed a new religion based entirely upon the absence of love issue and called themselves servants of the all Hateful Big Sneezer. Fully expecting to spend eternity in peace and quiet living in an opaque bowl ( blissfully unaware that only God could see inside), they named it Hell.
God was pleased; everybody got a little sumpin sumpin and the Big Sneeze continued to grow.
The way those little Anime took to the sex thing, a lot of room for expansion was going to be needed. His loving sneeze was the glue that held everything together. Believe it or not?
Raven is asking.
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Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
You're to kind.
Raven
Comment by DuskDevi
Rucks and Rolls
Rugby World Cup 2007
Bless you.
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Thank you, I tried to cover up...but I lost my shirt sleeve.
It was the best I could do on a single cup of coffee this AM, the challenge with this topic is to find a way to explore some truth and not piss off as many folks as possible.
Raven
Comment by David
I'm no longer the biggest fan of theological questions in a public forum or matters of an apologetical nature.
But since you posed the question.
Hell was created out of justice.
That's all I'm prepared to write. I have my own views on this matter, and could write pages (and even reference my sources), but in a public forum like Orble full of pagans and devil worshippers? No thanks. I'll give it a miss. I'm saving my martrydom for a special occasion. One not worthy of most Bloggers.
David ...
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Hell was created out of justice. Won't that prove embarrassing to many apologists?
I do understand, and appreciate your input.
Martyrdom should be set aside for Mitzvah's, birthdays or bachelor parties.
Raven
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
Health Focus
Poetry Lighthouse
MS Paint Art
Everyone knows Eve came from Adam's rib, leaving him weakened.
The snake happened along and enticed Eve with the Apple.
After that it was all down hill.
You big blasphemer you. Is heresy still listed with treason? Not popular in the law to-day, I think they should bring it back to cope with the proliferation of living human beings in the, as they're now known, developing countries. They've fixed the third world as we know, they've headed the second world in the direction of the first and when everyone gets there there'll be only one way to go, backwards. With the temperature risin' we should be getting there soon.
But your heretical views were indeed well scribed and hopefully delivered via a solar driven internet.
Telstra is looking at that option, with thoughts of increased revenue at the subscribers expense and to their entire dissatisfaction and of course this reply is All about heaven and hell and Lucifer.
I don't want you to think I'm some religious zealot, can't remember the last time I went to Church, but I'm mindful of going again and am looking for one that gives free morning tea with my being the recipient not the creator.
Would you call yourself a heathen or a fence sitter?
All in fun, I must declare myself, katyzzz
By the way, it was a great story. Make it up yourself, did you?
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Yup, I was on a caffeine roll at the time, unfortunately I hit a rock about halfway down the lane and took a nap. When I came to, this had been prematurely posted. I was still primping the story. Sigh, it had been read. So, I did a post mortum inspection, partially tuned it all up and eh, done.
But, had I more time your Adam and Eve Animes would have been featured in this story. It may still in chapter 2.
Great Comment, big fun for me.
Hey Winston,
Oh, wow, this story was based on a direct quote from Diem Wiit's singular scoll, "An interview with A Sitee Waat Buulb", circa 1907. I think he was referred to as the Lliipting Phrophet in Chuk Whow, Viet Nam.
Thanks for commenting, I love your playful bent.
Raven
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Loved the post. Most interesting version of events that i've read.
The Big Sneeze.....inspired stuff
Kylie
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Thank you for your kind words. This was a lot of fun to write. Come back and visit some more.
Raven
Comment by Optomistic Opportunism
Bohemian Hiphop
Japanese Jazz Funk
Optomystic Opportunism
Link me up chuck
Here's to the simplicity of duplicity.
If I wrote mine first, does that mean that at the time we were closer to God and therefore the more historical version must be correct?
See you in hell, Batman
Opto
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Your spot on the dresser is assured.
Raven
Comment by Optomistic Opportunism
Bohemian Hiphop
Japanese Jazz Funk
Optomystic Opportunism
Hope the summertime is keeping you happy up there. If not, don't blame your voters here. I'll post anon. if you like...
Opto-sadistic?
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Absolutely, the only consolation is that we are mooning everyone to the south, who are mooning us to the north.
Very amusing if you're living on the equator, because the view is always constant north or south.
No way, keep posting!
Actually, I love being kept up all night responding to comments and lights I can't flick off.
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I think you got it just right.
I was going to comment further....But I got totally thrown off by the vampire babe. Got a stack of Boris and Julies work.
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
That vampire babe absolutely fascinates me. I may use her as the basis for an oil painting. I'll ask Tisha first, hahaha
I am thinking of expanding my topic and adding characters.
Raven