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Hell Defined . . .

April 11th 2008 02:54
Stomach flu, diarrhea, soil or soiled, poo, crap each an innocuous little word that fails to fully express the hell on earth they can confer onto the target of their attentions. And those unwelcome diverse demon possessed offal offing’s should strike terror into the hearts of all

Let me elaborate and illustrate an atypical encounter with the beast.

Earlier today, a client stopped by the house to review some art and chat, a normal, all to common non event; which remained that way for an hour. The meeting went well and smoothly until it was time to leave.

When the client and I broke up the meeting, he went to the door, stepped through it and stopped abruptly, then turned to bring up a final point. Things still remained semi well for 3 or 4 seconds, until there was an audible rumbling. . . *one of those deep down unearthly growls from the depths of one’s innards.*

Trying to remain nonplused, I answered the new question. *things were starting to move in an ominous manner.* Well, I hafta go . . . now. *sweet jesus get going wouldja? * I began inching the door closed, but he countered my answer with another question. *aaarrgghhhh, this was rapidly spinning out of control.*

Not hearing the question fully now that my intestines were suddenly becoming my worst enemy, I asked him to repeat his question and began an obvious impromptu cheek squeezing dance. *the pitiless bastard was going to protract this until hell froze over or I lost control of all body functions and explode…crap!* Not cognizant of my obvious discomfort, the heartless mound of flesh was unrelenting and reposed his question.

Doubling over in obvious pain and in immanent danger of spewing forth a devilish brew of ordure laden liquid, I let loose an answer in staccato fashion and again attempted to close the door. *slamming the door to punctuate the terminus of my interest in further conversation. * I did the cross legged two step shuffle to the privy, swearing in three languages and resolved my dilemma. The ordeal was finally over, save for a shower, change of clothes and mopping up the DNA trail.

It was hell on earth. Am I the only person of earth to have been caught in that trap? You’d think that with the obnoxious sounds, odors, dancing and pleadings to end the visit ~ that the individual would get a clue and leave. What possesses folks to drag out their exit until insanity takes over?

Welcome to my weekend. Warning: don't come knocking until this bug leaves.

Raven

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Posted By: tlcorbin - Category: Shifting Realities
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19 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by katyzzz

April 11th 2008 03:26


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Is that a self portrait up top? You must learn to assert yourself orally, in times of such intestinal distress presenting anally, that client of yours is both deaf and has no sense of smell let alone decorum.

Lovely topic, great content. Please don't rush with another.


Comment by tlcorbin

April 11th 2008 03:30
I did everything but throw the cretin out katyzzz. I'm locking the door and I'm not leaving the house until next week end.

Raven

Comment by katyzzz

April 11th 2008 03:33


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You should be much slimmer by then if a little sore around the nether regions.

Comment by Nomad

April 11th 2008 03:56


Awesome Food
lol!! I remember a few years back got home late one night and ate a mysterious three bean salad with cottage cheese, something my sister had made (I put it in a sandwich cos I'm so manly) anyway about four hours later I was sitting on the toilet with that little bathroom bin between my legs, spewing and shitting at the same time.

I know, pretty awesome.

but at the time,

immense pain

Nomad

Comment by tlcorbin

April 11th 2008 04:43
You would think so katyzzz. Circumstances would seem to favor that outcome.

~ ~ ~

Hey Nomad, at last an understanding soul who knows what a pain in the ... nethers this stuff can be.

Raven

Comment by Krystal

April 11th 2008 07:19


feelings
I love that living locally, thinking globally, but oh pooh, I'm off

Comment by tlcorbin

April 11th 2008 08:09
Thank you, and I understand Krystal. D'ya know any cures?

Raven

Comment by katyzzz

April 11th 2008 08:49


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Raven, I know Crystal won't be able to answer that, but fluids only for 24 hours, no milk or milk products, some glucosade perhaps, but you should be symptom free in that time, unless you have some more sinister infection, like giardi, from unclean water. Let me know if this works.

If not, off to the doctor. No beer, or alcohol of course and you'll probably have to give the coffee a miss unless you have it black.

Rest would not go astray, and perhaps you can have some grated apple but this may make you throw up.

Do let me know how you get on.

Comment by tlcorbin

April 11th 2008 09:17
Oh crap katyzzz, give up my coffee....*pant, pant* I'M hyperventilating at the mere thought....

Raven

Comment by katyzzz

April 11th 2008 09:26


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From the look of that picture up top there is something wrong, unless you really look like that.

Suit yourself, but you said it Oh, c..p, that's your destiny, tough.

The Lord helps those who help themselves, but if you enjoy what you're doing so much, stay with it. Put a sign on the door, this is not a spectator sport.

You asked for it, you got it. Best advice you'll ever get and the price is certainly right.

Comment by tlcorbin

April 11th 2008 11:31
Actually katyzzzz, I did take your advice and things are calming down... but I am still walking gingerly.

Raven

Comment by katyzzz

April 11th 2008 12:06


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Sorry, I have never heard of ginger walk before.

(Told you so, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha )

Comment by tlcorbin

April 11th 2008 15:41
It's a bit stiff legged actually...

and . . . it's not nice to mock the infirmed katyzzz.

Raven

Comment by katyzzz

April 11th 2008 21:15


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It may not be, but it's a hell of a good laugh. Actually, Raven, I was not mocking your frailty, I was laughing at the use of I told you so, something no-one likes to hear, but often needs to.

It's funny about that no-one, that's the new generation ( and old generation, I'll have to admit ) anonymous.

Continue to walk gingerly my friend, it's superior to not walking at all, thanks for the definition, I'll add it to my dictionary, and that way it will probably be forgotten soon.

Comment by tlcorbin

April 12th 2008 00:17
Actually, it was a very funny I told you so, because it was dead on katyzzz.

Oh wow, someone is doing a series concerning things you can do to maintain brain health and mental acuity, . . I'll try and find those posts and show one to you, they're very good.

hahahahaha, wow I feel like a new man today.

Raven

Comment by Lara M

April 12th 2008 01:37


Love Speaks
Food Slate
Hope you're much much better.

Comment by tlcorbin

April 12th 2008 02:50
Thanks Lara, I'm standing tall again...

Raven

Comment by Kleonaptra

April 13th 2008 23:24


Kalikapsychosis
Oh Raven
I can say I surely relate...I know plenty that cant understand when the welcome's over.

Comment by tlcorbin

April 14th 2008 03:21
On the one hand Kleo it's funny and on the other hand it places you on the threshold of living hell.

They came for a visit and never left

Has a horror movie title ring to it doesn't it?

Raven

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