Presidential Candidate Wanted-Inquire Within
March 11th 2008 20:04
Help Wanted: President for Large Prestigious Country with International holdings
Job Duration
• This is a temporary four year position, it may be extended once for another four years unless your spouse is elected after your term(s) have expired, in which case you may theoretically reign for 16 years
• The duration of this position is subject to impeachment, assassination, recall, coups, civil war, poor poll ratings or general unrest from a surely public
• Failure to flee the Oval office when process servers bearing gifts from opponents and in-laws touring the White House may result in the premature termination of this position
Your duties
• Manage a large, bloated, self serving national government of monumental proportions
• Take the shotguns away from drunken vice presidents if he misses his ‘bird’
• Absorb the vitriolic abuse of the press, friends, family, public or other ingrates who will attack you mercilessly with everything they can get their hands on, no matter what decision you will make for the next four years
• Shore up the economic underpinnings of the country with your personal funds or ill gotten gains from exploits to protect the hapless oil rich nations from terrorists
• Veto any bill that hasn’t been written to your capricious whims or allows being energy self sufficient
• Maintain accurate body count of slain enemy combatants (foreign or not), and miscellaneous political rivals stored at club Gitmo sans-Justica resort in the Caribbean waters south of Washington DC
• It’s good if you can fly a plane, do your own stunts in the oval office such as, ‘sit down,’ ‘roll over,’ and ‘sign bill, pardon or police action here,’ or erase taped conversations or meetings
• As top war lord you will be expected to invade small countries reeling from unrest and surplus oil reserves, to restore our economic balance with their surplus natural resources
• Convert the world to the philosophy of Free Market Resource Abusers and Planetary Polluters with auxiliary chapters located in every nation
• Auction off secret CIA stashes of cocaine into cash for making contributions to favorite terrorist organizations to continue driving the military-industrial complex
• Appoint Supreme Court Justices that hate the Constitution as written and stand firm in their beliefs that US citizens are entitled to freedom from personal accountability and responsibility
Your skills
• Must be fluent in Spanish, German, Iranian, Chinese, Russian, some English required
• Must be a documented legal resident alien to apply
• Must be a mumbling, snappy dresser with impeccably clean underwear for dealing with the press and public
• Must have photographic memory, especially when speaking to the press, when repaying political favors, except when accounting for missing staff diaries or records
• Be detail-oriented, keep lists of foreign oil reserves of our enemies, friends and hookers, but separated
• Be a team player and remember that the godlike powers you may be wielding aren’t yours to keep.
• Some college or high school education preferred, but charming and deviousness personality, or prior military service in a POW camp may be substituted for education
• Must be of high moral character ethical and not over charge for the sale of national secrets, insider information or personally benefit obscene amounts of cash ‘campaign contributions’ from spoon fed contracts to foreign supporters
• Be a good communicator who doesn’t cry every time a grand jury indicts you or subpoenas you to lie under oath
• Capable of working independently as Commander in Chief , must be willing to utilize the military as party caterers or for invading small mid eastern country’s with energy reserves, or to protect Zionist internment camps in Cuba
• Must be able to spin bad news or criticism on the fly and dance around reporters
• Knowledge of the quickest ways to flee the country with suitcases of state secrets and cash is prudent
• Must be bereft of conscience, religious based moral compass and personality
• The ability to lie under sexually charged pressure is a plus.
Potential Obstacles:
The nation does manifest a couple of quirks, and any President should be able to cope with them.
• The secrete service and paparazzi will chase after you on foot or in cars, SUV’s, helicopters, small planes or skate boards. Whether you are in your bullet proof limo, relieving the first bladder or on jogging. It shouldn’t matter, deal with it.
• The public and press have been known to throw things that cause lacerations to first pets, explode or stain your suits or real furs.
• Must be youthful enough to dodge assorted projectiles when the secret service personnel are enjoying their mandated coffee and donut breaks, a sports background is a plus
• Declarations that you are a lying, Islamo-Fascist war criminal for carrying out the duties of office, wishes and desires of the populace mandated by their voting power or general lack of interest
Benefits
• Occasionally feel like you're making a difference in the world
• Secret service agents that will follow you everywhere, to the bathroom, shower, bedroom or bar and listen in to your family ‘private discussions, sex life or secret liaisons with interns’ while taping and filming these items for future sale to the highest bidder, but always giving offering you first right of refusal to those coveted keepsakes
• A cell phone, keys to the Presidential wash room, your own parking space and free publicity every time you stutter, slip, fall, fart, sneeze or jog to McD’s for a salmon bagel and tea
• First hand knowledge of Jimmy Hoffa’s remains and the keys to a few UFO’s
• Less salary per year than most corporate executives
• The key and button to the nukes, very cool and a great stress reliever
• A cool office with maid service
To Apply
• Send SAS with enclosed resume and appropriate promises to the political party of your choice
• Tout yourself to the masses for three years to gain exposure
• Pray that you don’t get busted at the gay regalia you host every year
• Bribe the masses with expensive free social programs that will keep their great, great, great, great grandchildren in debt and impoverished until some holy man reappears, declares existence a joke while walking on water and installs himself as king.
There is great beauty even in a flawed system or broken person.
Like the footwear?
Raven
Job Duration
• The duration of this position is subject to impeachment, assassination, recall, coups, civil war, poor poll ratings or general unrest from a surely public
• Failure to flee the Oval office when process servers bearing gifts from opponents and in-laws touring the White House may result in the premature termination of this position
Your duties
• Manage a large, bloated, self serving national government of monumental proportions
• Take the shotguns away from drunken vice presidents if he misses his ‘bird’
• Absorb the vitriolic abuse of the press, friends, family, public or other ingrates who will attack you mercilessly with everything they can get their hands on, no matter what decision you will make for the next four years
• Shore up the economic underpinnings of the country with your personal funds or ill gotten gains from exploits to protect the hapless oil rich nations from terrorists
• Veto any bill that hasn’t been written to your capricious whims or allows being energy self sufficient
• It’s good if you can fly a plane, do your own stunts in the oval office such as, ‘sit down,’ ‘roll over,’ and ‘sign bill, pardon or police action here,’ or erase taped conversations or meetings
• As top war lord you will be expected to invade small countries reeling from unrest and surplus oil reserves, to restore our economic balance with their surplus natural resources
• Convert the world to the philosophy of Free Market Resource Abusers and Planetary Polluters with auxiliary chapters located in every nation
• Auction off secret CIA stashes of cocaine into cash for making contributions to favorite terrorist organizations to continue driving the military-industrial complex
• Appoint Supreme Court Justices that hate the Constitution as written and stand firm in their beliefs that US citizens are entitled to freedom from personal accountability and responsibility
Your skills
• Must be fluent in Spanish, German, Iranian, Chinese, Russian, some English required
• Must be a documented legal resident alien to apply
• Must be a mumbling, snappy dresser with impeccably clean underwear for dealing with the press and public
• Must have photographic memory, especially when speaking to the press, when repaying political favors, except when accounting for missing staff diaries or records
• Be a team player and remember that the godlike powers you may be wielding aren’t yours to keep.
• Some college or high school education preferred, but charming and deviousness personality, or prior military service in a POW camp may be substituted for education
• Must be of high moral character ethical and not over charge for the sale of national secrets, insider information or personally benefit obscene amounts of cash ‘campaign contributions’ from spoon fed contracts to foreign supporters
• Be a good communicator who doesn’t cry every time a grand jury indicts you or subpoenas you to lie under oath
• Capable of working independently as Commander in Chief , must be willing to utilize the military as party caterers or for invading small mid eastern country’s with energy reserves, or to protect Zionist internment camps in Cuba
• Must be able to spin bad news or criticism on the fly and dance around reporters
• Knowledge of the quickest ways to flee the country with suitcases of state secrets and cash is prudent
• The ability to lie under sexually charged pressure is a plus.
Potential Obstacles:
The nation does manifest a couple of quirks, and any President should be able to cope with them.
• The secrete service and paparazzi will chase after you on foot or in cars, SUV’s, helicopters, small planes or skate boards. Whether you are in your bullet proof limo, relieving the first bladder or on jogging. It shouldn’t matter, deal with it.
• The public and press have been known to throw things that cause lacerations to first pets, explode or stain your suits or real furs.
• Must be youthful enough to dodge assorted projectiles when the secret service personnel are enjoying their mandated coffee and donut breaks, a sports background is a plus
• Declarations that you are a lying, Islamo-Fascist war criminal for carrying out the duties of office, wishes and desires of the populace mandated by their voting power or general lack of interest
Benefits
• Secret service agents that will follow you everywhere, to the bathroom, shower, bedroom or bar and listen in to your family ‘private discussions, sex life or secret liaisons with interns’ while taping and filming these items for future sale to the highest bidder, but always giving offering you first right of refusal to those coveted keepsakes
• A cell phone, keys to the Presidential wash room, your own parking space and free publicity every time you stutter, slip, fall, fart, sneeze or jog to McD’s for a salmon bagel and tea
• First hand knowledge of Jimmy Hoffa’s remains and the keys to a few UFO’s
• Less salary per year than most corporate executives
• The key and button to the nukes, very cool and a great stress reliever
• A cool office with maid service
To Apply
• Send SAS with enclosed resume and appropriate promises to the political party of your choice
• Tout yourself to the masses for three years to gain exposure
• Pray that you don’t get busted at the gay regalia you host every year
• Bribe the masses with expensive free social programs that will keep their great, great, great, great grandchildren in debt and impoverished until some holy man reappears, declares existence a joke while walking on water and installs himself as king.
There is great beauty even in a flawed system or broken person.
Like the footwear?
Raven
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
You left out must be able to skim documents fast and depending on the occasion inaccurately/accurately.
Are you applying yourself?
There is no perfect applicant for any position and the rewards/perks sound very pleasant indeed.
Keep working on the languages and skin colouring and accents.
Vote: 1 for Raven, the flighty black one.
Comment by tlcorbin
Always pleased to get your vote. Raven
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
Comment by tlcorbin
Comment by Damo
Comment by tlcorbin
Comment by Krystal
feelings
Here I was looking forward to a coffee quip, and what do I find, a politicking Raven, but I don't mind, vote 1 Raven will do me, don't worry about yourcertification, just don't tell, best kept a few secrets in THAT job.
Comment by tlcorbin